Pull The Trigger


Dear Readers,

I have felt like so many different people within that first year, going through different stages of self-acceptance, depression, guilt, and sadness, it has truly been hard to recognize myself. During that time, I was haunted by reoccurring nightmares of my own fatal death, and often woke up covered in sweat with severe pain in my chest and ribs. Sometimes I was shot, other times hung, whipped, or stoned, and each time I would sit up in bed, and immediately double over in pain. I would take several pain pills to relax my muscles, then fall back asleep in the early hours of the morning. Each time was always the same, my “parents” had killed me. At the time, I could only relate to the fear of the unknown, and since I was not speaking to them, it seemed more rational that they would come looking for answers or revenge. The only person that I was able to count on was my boyfriend. He was the constant support I needed to get through each day but, sometimes I felt like I was even driving him away. When he went out, I asked him where to. I was being suspicious, and acting jealous, things that were never common of me before; I feared losing him. Darkness surrounded me.

Sincerely, The Open Closet


PS. THIS IS JUST AN EXCERPT FROM MY BOOK: “The Open Closet: Letters From A Gay Man” (Available on AMAZON & KINDLE)

If you enjoyed reading this letter and would like to read more, please consider purchasing a copy and help spread awareness of issues  plaguing the LGBT community.




13 thoughts on “Pull The Trigger

  1. Wow … this made for compelling reading. I don’t understand either how someone could reject you or pull love away from you simply because of your sexuality. Fortunately, I didn’t have that problem … but, yikes, I felt/feel your pain. I have a feeling that, given your intelligence and talents, you’ll navigate the rough waters with success. However, you’ve had a rough time, my friend.

    1. Thank you! This week has been a little tough for me to write about my experiences—but, I believe the more we stay quiet about problems, the more suffering we cause to ourselves and others. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.

      1. You write extremely well …. and about something so difficult. That’s a combination. As a PTSD sufferer, I came close to … well, complete despair, but managed to keep on. I tended to stay quiet, but that’s my personality … I wrote, I thought, I walked, I talked to the people I trust. Anyway … you’re a very cool and very strong guy.

  2. A glimpse into the personal side of your life which some readers are bound to know as well for their own private lives mirror what you have shared here. An appreciation for the courage to share this as well as the gratitude to “the friend” who entered your life at a time when needed and helped to guide you as only a friend can. I am equally glad that you are here to write of this and though we cannot predict all the emotions we must endure to remain strong and vigilant in life, one thing is certain above all else and that is: the best way out is the only way forward. Thanks again for a great blog posting and for being who you are and who you were always meant to be. G. ~

    1. Thank you Gregory for your heart-felt message. This is why I continue to write—I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this posting, and for sharing with me. Sometimes the struggle gets too tough and the burden to heavy to carry alone, but knowing that there are people out there in the universe listening, supporting, and encouraging makes us push on! I was lucky to have gained a friend when I needed it—for many others, a friend is not always present. If this blog could help those individuals during their struggle, then my suffering will have been worth it all. Thanks again. Wishing you the best.

  3. Great Post, My Friend! I understand what you are saying about suicide in this post. I never felt that I wanted to kill myself either, but when times got tough, relating to being closeted and more stuff piled on top of that, I know it lingered at the edge of my thoughts. Escape is what we want. And some times it takes years to find it. Isn’t it crazy how we end up providing our own escape?

    1. It was really hard for me to talk about suicide this week, because I don’t really feel the hurt or anger anymore. But, as it is part of my story I felt it was something to be shared. I am really happy now–and I guess if it hadn’t been for the tough times then, my happiness would not feel so incredible now. Things do get better, it just takes time. Thank you for reading, my friend.

  4. I can honestly say I’m glad you got through that dark phase. You’re a beautiful person whose writing is genuinely moving. I’m not sure what it is, but I’ve been reading through your posts and I absolutely love the way you write. I’m somewhere between fanboying and in tears right now, and thank you for that.

    1. Thank you! You flatter me with your compliment! I just started following your blog and am looking forward to reading more of your posts! Thank you for sharing, and hope i continue to live up to those expectations 🙂

  5. You are never alone in your struggles, unless you want to be. There are always people there to support you, who have gone through similar experiences and know what to say and do. I trust you know that now. Many years ago a former room mate took his life in his darkest moments. It did hurt those left behind. He apparently lost sight of the love of family and friends, because he was rejected by one and felt he was losing his family. Thanks for sharing because that may in turn help someone else.

    1. Thank you Rich. I am sorry to hear about your friend and former room mate. I can only imagine the kind of hurt you must have felt. I appreciate you sharing your experience with me, and I hope that this blog, among many others out there, will find its way into the lives of those who need to read them. Thank you for your continued reading and sharing. Best wishes my friend!

  6. Wow, I’m kinda speechless from this. First of all I very much admire the courage to share your experiences here. Second I believe they hold much value for the simple reason many (too many) people will relate to your story (case in point: your latest post ‘Fan Letter’).
    I for one have been blessed with having a family that made coming out easy and problem free, which makes it relatively easy to forget not everybody is that lucky.
    Thank you for starting this blog (I found it on elementalprofundity.com) and if needed, take comfort in knowing your writing is helpful to people (gay and straight alike) who are in the process of coming to terms with who they are, a process also known as ‘life’;)

    1. Thank you A. van Nerel! it means a lot to me to know that what I am writing is helping others gain courage to “come out,” or inspire them to change their opinion about the LGBT community and our issues. I always appreciate positive feedback from my readers, and hope that you will continue to visit my blog in the future! Best wishes!

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